Stormy Daniels is coming … out with a new book.
The strong and proud porn star has penned “Full Disclosure,” a memoir that mostly details her affair with Donald Trump.
The affair took place prior to Trump being elected President and Daniels writes in the book that she was in literal shock as Trump continued to win primary after primary in 2016.
But who really cares about her political opinions, right?
We know you’re all here to read what Daniels had to say about sex with Trump, and we promise:
She does not let you down.
Consider yourself warned and then click through the following photos and slides to see to whom Stormy Daniels compares the President of the United States.
Wait, Stormy Daniels Wrote a Book?
Yes. Does this really come as a surprise? It will reportedly tell her “whole story for the first time” and it will be available for purchase on October 2.
Who is Stormy Daniels Again?
Here’s a quick refresher: Daniels slept with Trump in 2006. She says they only had this one sexual encounter, but that she kept in touch with Trump for several years afterward. One month before the 2016 Presidential Election, Trump has admitted to paying Daniels $130,000 in exchange for her silence over the affair.
HOWEVER…
Trump never signed this non-disclosure agreement and says he won’t be enforcing it and Daniels has been talking openly about their affair.
Oh, and Trump May Have Committed a Campaign Finance Violation with This Payment
It seems like he almost definitely did so. But that isn’t the point right now.
What IS the Point Right Now?
Explicitly, how Daniels described the President’s unit. She gets into GROSS detail about it in this book. Are you ready to read it? Are you certain?
Okay. Here It Is:
“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…”
Excuse Us? What?!?
Wait, there’s even more from Daniels in regard to the President’s junk. She adds: “I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…”
The Mushroom Character from Mario Kart?
Yup. This is the character to whom Daniels has compared the Commander-in-Chief.
And This is a Cartoon Yeti
Just so you know the type of pubic hair Daniels says the President possesses. (We’re very sorry. But you clicked on this post.)
Fair Enough. But What was the Sex Like?
It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean or something, right? Sex can be decent even with a mushroom head-type of penis, no? No, writes Daniels: “It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
We Can’t Think About Anything Else Now, Ever Again, But…
… what else did Daniels write about? As Trump inched closer to the Republican nomination, Daniels would tell friends about The Donald winning The Presidency: “It will never happen, I would say. He doesn’t even want to be president.”
Why Didn’t Daniels Ever Star on The Apprentice?
Daniels says she kept in touch with Trump because he kept dangling a role on The Apprentice in front of her. He even claimed he would fix the season so that Stormy would win!
How So?
“We’ll figure out a way to get you the challenges beforehand,” Trump said, Stormy alleges. “And we can devise your technique… He was going to have me cheat, and it was 100 percent his idea.”
The President is Obsessed with Sharks
Daniels tells a story in the book about Trump receiving a unique phone call while they were hanging out and watching Shark Week programming together.
What Was the Crux of This Story?
“Hillary Clinton called,†Daniels writes. “He had a whole conversation about the race, repeatedly mentioning ‘our plan’… Even while he was on the phone with Hillary, his attention kept going back to the sharks.â€Â