Look.
We don’t eat fortune cookies because they taste particularly great.
Heck, sometimes we don’t even eat fortune cookies after opening them.
We really just want to read the message inside of these Chinese food treats, which is what makes the following fortunes so disappointing.
As you’re about to find out, they very clearly failed their excited reader at the time they were perused. Big time.
This is Not a Fortune
Unless you’re telling us that we’re about to get attacked by a bear.
This IS a Fortune
But it’s also just a way of saying that Chinese food is sort of a rip off.
For the Record:
Flying is not simple. And this is not funny!
Run Where?!?
Away from a bear, we assume.
And If We Don’t?!?
What will you do to us, huh?
But It Told Me To Pick Another Cookie
And then I did. And it said this. I am SO confused.
This is Good Advice
Just not for THIS person.
Welp, This is Disturbing
So much for that good mood we were in.
So… Don’t Get Trapped in a Well?
Consider it noted.
Hey! The World Takes Gonzo Seriously!
Or at least I do.
This Would Not Be a Fail, Except…
… now we’ll never get this song out of our head.
Keeping It Real
We’d prefer if they kept it funny.
Which Waiter?
What are you talking about?
We Can’t Help It
Here we go: That’s what she said!
What About the Present?
We hear that’s pretty great, too.
Thank You?
We guess? Always nice to get confirmation.
Who Cares?
You’re a Fortune Cookie, not a Dumb Question Cookie.
Some Might Say Greed is Good
Like Michael Douglas, for instance.
Hey!
You work on improving YOUR exercise routine!
Not Always
Just… not always.
In the Bottom of the Ocean?
After we got rid of all the sponges?
We Agree with the First Part
We’re confused by the second.
Ouch!
The truth hurts sometimes.
This is One Way to Phrase It
One stupid way!
Can You Be More Specific?
We want to know who to look for.
Will We Need to Buy Them?
Or will they just, like, appear?
Just Chill Out, Okay?
Talk like a regular fortune.