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Never before have so many people been so curious about the season premiere of an unoriginal, unfunny comedy.

But Two and a Half Men returns to CBS on September 19 and here is what we know about the first, Charlie Sheen-less episode it airs:

  • Sheen’s Harper will be killed off.
  • The cause of death? Viewers will learn he married, and then cheated on, Rose. At the character’s funeral, she’ll pretty much admit to pushing him off a train platform.
  • Season premiere guest stars will include Jenny McCarthy and John Stamos.
  • Ashton Kutcher will portray a billionaire named Walden Schmidt, one of several people who stop by to consider purchasing Charlie’s house.

Will you watch the Two and a Half Men premiere?