David Eason Finally Admits Slaughtering Jenelle Evans' Dog in Shameless PR Move to Hawk Her Lame Cosmetics Line

The Monster and the Martyr

In a fit of rage, David beat little Nugget before shooting him at close range with a shotgun. The appalling act made Jenelle’s pet an animal rights mascot.

A Brutal Scene

David did all of this while his children were at home, and the ensuing CPS investigation resulted in the Easons losing custody of the kids who were still permitted to live with them. (They had each lost custody of one child already.)

House of Lies

David claimed that Nugget attacked and bit his daughter Ensley. However, the only evidence he was ever able to provide was this photo — which shows no bite marks or damage.

Jenelle’s Choice

Evans briefly left Eason over the incident, but she quickly changed her mind and decided to stand by him — even if it meant losing her kids.

Muddying the Waters

Nugget’s body was never found by police, and Jenelle used this fact to try to obscure the facts of what really happened that night.

Nice Try

She claimed she had no knowledge of what became of the dog and suggested that he had simply run away.

A Deeper Hole

Obviously, this is not the behavior of an innocent woman, and serves to suggest that Jenelle played a larger role in Nugget;’s murder and the disposal of his body than previously thought.

Desperate Times

But these days, Evans’ reality TV career is at an end, and as part of her desperate effort to avoid getting a real job, she’s attempting to finally launch the cosmetics line that she’s been talking about for years.

Damage Control

And so, Jenelle and David are doing their best to restore their battered public image. And this week, that meant sitting for an interview with People magazine and offering up a long-awaited confession.

Doing his best to appear contrite, David spoke with the outlet and finally admitted to murdering his wife’s tiny pet.

Her Health?

“It was a situation where my daughter, her health, her safety was in danger,” said an unconvincing Eason.

Moment of Panic

“This was something that nobody wants to ever have to do. The dog was aggressive,” Eason added.

The BS Artist

“Yes, she might not be huge or whatever, but you know when a dog bites a child on the face more than one time, then it should never be around the child again,” Eason continued.

Nope, That’s Not How That Works

If you had put the dog up for adoption — they WOULD HAVE PLACED IT IN A HOME WITHOUT CHILDREN, YOU ABSOLUTE TROGLODYTE. They don’t make ’em any dumber than Dimwit Dave.

But, You Just Said …

Apparently forgetting what he had just said about the dog being rehomed, Eason prattled on, “If you call the authorities at that point, the law says the dog has to be euthanized. I’m not going to pay anyone to euthanize my dog when I could do it myself.”

Tears of a Clown

And this point, little Davey starts getting tearing up, and it’s almost too ridiculous to believe.

Cry For Us, Tough Guy

“I mean, I loved that dog,” says Weepy Eason. “I still think about her every day. It’s really hard for me. A lot of people put me down for it, they hate me for it, but like I said it was not something I wanted to do.”

Well, Duh

At this point, Evans says she would have preferred to keep the incident “private,” adding, “We didn’t want it getting out in the news at all.”

At Least SOMEONE Is Concerned For Kaiser

Apparently, her real regret is not that the incident happened but that it went public, a fact she blames on Nathan Griffith, who called the police to request a welfare check on his traumatized son.

Lots of People Hunt and Fish … They Don’t Kill Dogs

“David has grown up in the country lifestyle — he hunts, he fishes,” a flustered Evans explained. “The way he was raised is really different than a lot of other places.”

Screw David, Let’s Talk About Nugget’s Perspective

Continuing to mistakenly believe that anyone cares about her husband’s feelings, Evans added, “We understand that people are scared of the whole gun thing, [but] they just don’t understand it from David’s perspective.”

Everyone Is Taught That, Dummy

“His father taught him, ‘Don’t let any animal hurt you’ … and he just thought what he was doing was best,” said Evans.

Reading From the PR Script

“He does realize that what he did was wrong. And he does realize that he shouldn’t have done it. And he said, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how bad it was going to hurt everyone,’” Jenelle continued.

They’re So Bad At This

Countering what Jenelle JUST said, David then revealed he doesn’t believe what he did was wrong, saying, “I don’t think the dog should have been re-homed, no. Regardless of what I did, the dog would have been euthanized. … The law says if you don’t euthanize a dog that bites somebody, within a reasonable amount of time, you are held liable for neglect.”

Sorry He Got Caught

“He didn’t realize how big that was going to be if it did get out. He also isn’t used to social media or being on TV or anything like that. I’ve been around it since 2009,” Evans added. “I know my actions from the past have made me learn not to do those mistakes again. David is learning from everything that is happening.”

Unbelievable

Evans went on to reveal that she and David have since had ANOTHER incident with one of their pet dogs becoming violent, thus proving conclusively that the problem is not the dogs, it’s the owners.

Is She Congratulating Him For Not Murdering Another Dog?

Proving she’s set the bar incredibly low, Jenelle praises David for nor murdering another pet, saying, “My pitbull Jax, he actually killed one of our pigs recently. So instead of David saying, ‘Well let me euthanize the dog, let’s just give the dog away.’ So we gave the dog away instead … So he’s even taken the initiative to correct his actions and not repeat the same mistakes he’s made before,” she explained.

She Actually Thinks This Went Well

“Thanks @people for letting us squash rumors about so many heavy topics,” Jenelle captioned this photo. “With so much going on it was hard to do this interview but very happy getting it out to the public. Moving on with our future! #StandingStrong”. Is it just us, or are those some frightened-looking journalists?