Can we talk for a moment, ABC?
Can we just go ahead and keep it real?
Okay, good. Here we go:
You need to change the name of your long-running reality show. You can’t go around referring to this program as Dancing with the Stars.
Dancing with the the Z-List Stars maybe? Dancing with the Totally Anonymous Quasi Celebrities could work?
We can workshop various possibilities with your executives, but the Season 27 cast announced below makes it obvious that the series is more desperate than ever for anyone resembling a star.
With apologies to all the folks listed here, these upcoming contestants simply do not qualify for that status…
Evanna Lynch
We loved Evanna Lynch as Luna in the Harry Potter franchise. But how many people out there even know her name?
Juan Pablo Di Pace
He hails from Argentina and sources say he plays a role on the Full House spinoff/revival Fuller House. Who knew?!?
John Schneider
John Schneider used to be a huge TV star and major sex symbol on Dukes of Hazzard. That was about 35 years ago.
Nancy McKeon
She’s somehow the third former Facts of Life member to be cast. Does anyone under 30 years old have a clue who she is?
Joe Amabile
They called him Grocery Store Joe on The Bachelorette because he was just so nice and kind of plain. Good dude. Boring contestant.
DeMarcus Ware
DeMarcus Ware was a Super Bowl champion for the Denver Broncos. And we know how often professional athletes with Dancing with the Stars.
Danelle Umstead
A Paralympian skier, Danelle Umstead is inspiring. Certainly no mockery here, either. We’re curious to see her compete.
Mary Lou Retton
Mary Lou Retton is maybe the most famous gymnast of all-time. She is a Dancing with the Stars archetype cast member. No mockery here.
Tinashe
We HAVE heard of Tinashe. She’s a moderately successful singer who is still relevant at the moment. Good for her!
Bobby Bones
Wikipedia says: He is the host of the nationally syndicated weekday radio program The Bobby Bones Show, originating out of WSIX-FM in Nashville, Tennessee.
Milo Manheim
We hear that he’s an actor. We’re looking into this allegation before we verify it.
Nikki Glaser
Nikki Glaser is a comedian who may be very funny. But would you recognize her if you saw her in a bar?
When Does the New Season Begin?
Dancing with the Stars Season 27 kicks off on Monday, September 24, at 8/7c on ABC. Will you be tuning in?