The Bachelorette needs a makeover. Viewers are over contestants vying for the attention of one man with crocodile tears and alcohol.
What this series needs is someone who’s been there, done that. Someone who already has it all and isn’t willing to settle.
Someone who’s over it pretty much the second you fall short of her high expectations, and will let you know about it too.
Someone like Kourtney Kardashian.
Who better to be courted by 25 of America’s most eligible men than a lady who doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve?
Let’s imagine what The Bachelorette would look like if none other than Kourtney Kardashian was this summer’s prize …
If You’re Terrible, You Go
There’s no hidden message in that statement. You don’t get a rose. You get a limo ride home with a free cry.
Being Courted Can Get Awkward
There’s no beating around the bush, here.
Filming Starts When She’s Up From Her Nap
The bachelorette is here, and she’s going to take a nap.
An Ivy League Education is Fine
But, what the HELL are you doing on this show?
Don’t Bring Up Ex-Girlfriends
She’ll just send them to whore island.
She’s Got All The Time In The World For Romance
Literally. All of her time is free.
Words Shall Not Be Minced
It doesn’t matter how far you make it on ‘The Bachelorette.’ She will cut a bitch.
Don’t Forget, Boys
Once you cross that threshold, you’re in her kingdom.
Don’t Roll Around Like Animals
You’re all liquored up, and you antagonized the volunteer fire fighter. Not good.
It Doesn’t Take Much
But you still need to make the effort.
Don’t Talk About Money
She’s got money. You want her money. Mentioning it will only get you sent home.
No, Seriously, Do NOT Talk About Money
Kourtney has more of it than you. We all know this. Play it cool and try another approach when it comes to impressing her.
Deadbeats Need Not Apply
She’s worth a lot of money, and she grew up in LA. You need to find a better way to explain that you’re an “actor/dancer/singer triple threat.”
The Ultimate Family Support System
Everyone knows The Bachelorette leans on her family for support and help with the decision making process after she narrows the field down to a lucky few fellas. In Kourtney’s case, the vetting process would be especially entertaining and thorough once her sisters got involved.
Sometimes The Feels Attack
There’s something in her eye. She’s not bummed out over your hook-up with the production assistant.
It’s Kourtney’s Timeline. The End.
If you’re old and bedridden when she finally agrees to marry you, Kourtney can make adjustments on where to hold the wedding ceremony. No biggie.
She’s a Hoot
And she doesn’t care if she bores you. In fact, she doesn’t care about anything at all.
She Can Twerk AND Play Croquet
If that’s not a perfect combination of life skills and interests for the kind of absurd, contrived “dates” The Bachelor franchise comes up with year in and year out, we honestly don’t know what is.
She Gets Down to Business
That’s something of a factor in any potential relationship, no? Why not find out the answer right off the bat.