After a months-long delay due to the crew going on strike, Shahs of Sunset Season 4 Episode 1 at last kicked off a new season for the Persian sensations Monday.
So what did we find out in the hit show’s 2015 debut? What didn’t we …
As Shahs of Sunset Season 4 Episode 1 got underway, Reza, Mike, MJ, GG, Asa returned with an outrageous vengeance on one of TV’s top guilty pleasures.
In typical Bravo fashion, family and cultural traditions were interwoven with the outrageous and the ostentatious, as the premiere centered on celebrating Nowruz.
That’s the Persian new year. It’s kind of cool to learn these things, all the while watching an episode largely devoted to rumors that Mike has a micropenis.
Mike’s fiancee Jessica, who is converting to Judaism to marry him, is waist deep in religious and ethnic nuances that are actually interesting to observe.
She can become Jewish, but she can’t become Persian. Nor does she necessarily want to be, as she often looks awkward or upset around her future in-laws.
Fortunately, MJ is there to break up any serious commentary we or the show might have been making, becomes it’s time for some vintage blow job comments.
“You have an obsession with receiving BJ’s,” MJ notes to Mike, who’s watching his betrothed tongue some meat on a stick and taking this all in stride.
“Have you ever given me a blowjob?” Mike asks MJ, who won’t answer “out of respect" for Jessica, who in turn loses her mind at this whole conversation.
“For three years, the only person sucking his dick has been me,” she says, and it gets weirder still when new star Asifa asks Mike about his micropenis.
And with that, we meet Asifa, who as you’ll see when you watch Shahs of Sunset online, is proud of her Persian and Indian heritage, as she told us.
“Who wouldn’t want to be like a giraffe and a lion," Asifa mused to the cameras. "I’m like a gira-cheetah. A giraffe cheetah? I forgot what a giraffe looks like."
"Okay, I just remembered. Yeah, I’d be a cheetah-raffe.”
She’s trying to be the anti Lilly Ghalichi, who got the boot from Shahs despite her porn star-esque body dimensions because she was just too darn boring.
We respect the efforts of the new cheetah-raffe not to fall victim to the same fate, and clearly she succeeded in pushing Mike’s buttons big time here.
"Do I have a micropenis? Who are you?" Mike says. "Be a lady and have some class. If you have a boyfriend, another man’s penis should never be on your mind.”
Mike gets so hilariously defensive and livid over this that it makes you wonder if he does have a micropenis, since why would this hit such a nerve otherwise.
On the flip side, Mike also takes very seriously the fact that Bobby shows up to the club with the vents in his jacket still sewn, so he may just be an alcoholic.
We’re sort of hoping you can chalk up their subsequent, heated confrontation to drinking, because it’s hard to imagine a dumber thing ever being fought over.
And we cover a lot of them here at this celebrity gossip website, particularly when it comes to Bravo-lebrities. So you know we’re saying a lot there.
As she tries to get Mike the hell out of there before a bad situation gets worse, Jessica snaps at a crew member, “Get this mic off of me. I don’t give a f–k.”
Reza sums it up best with the quote of the night, possibly of the year: “What about Nowruz? I know this bitch is white, but this is a sacred time for us.”
Welcome back, Shahs of Sunset. We missed you.