We apologize up front if you’re wearing Velcro shoes while reading this, but, well…
… you’re a pervert.
This is just one of many lessons we learned on New Girl Season 4 Episode 2, as Schmidt served as an online dating mentor for Jess, who was anxious to get back out there and signed up for an app called "Dice" in order to do so.
And it’s safe to say she needed it, considering she believes DTF stands for “Down to Fun.”
So Schmidt imparted wisdom (using the Taboo buzzer to scream at Jess everytime she gave a wrong answer) that included pearls such as the following:
Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish.
Jess, we hope you’re taking notes. Actually, scratch that. Sorry. Schmidt doesn’t want you taking notes.
Schmidt then threw Jess into the dating fire by setting up 10 dates in one day for her, figuring she had 1,000 minutes to perfect her moves and her analysis and to become an expert Dice user.
"Over the next 1,000 minutes, your notions of dating will be challenged," he said. "If you’re saying things like ‘Dreamy Eyes’ to my face, then we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically."
Amazing line delivery by Max Greenfield there.
Fortunately, Jess was a pretty quick learner, using Schmidt’s notecard-ready excuses any time she needed to get the heck out of there. (Example: Oh no. My acquaintance is in trouble and needs me.)
By the end of her date-a-thon, she thought she had found a match (even if he did live nearby the restaurant he chose and therefore could have been a pervert)… only to be stuck watching a comedic magician perform trick after horrible trick for her. Great stuff.
In the other storyline, Winston invited Nick, CeCe and Coach to a party so they could help him fit in well with some cops. Except they smoked a lot of marijuana before going, unbeknownst to Winston.
This made Nick angry (okay, angrier), Coach chill ("Officer, can I read you your rights? You have the right to remain hugged. And you have the right to remain sweet.") and CeCe very talkative.
But it also made them them the perfect "dogs," in Winston lingo, by the end of the episode: Winston helped pull a prank on his high pals and ended up being accepted by the officers. Better yet? He now has a nickname, just like he wanted!
It’s "toilet."
A terrific episode all around, highlighted by exceptional Schmidt quotes and a couple of fun set-ups. What did everyone else think? Go watch New Girl online via TV Fanatic if you missed this great opener.