We learned just what men will do for their queen on Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 3.
First, viewers were treated to a wedding that actually featured no bloodshed, as Margaery exchanged vows with Tommen.
The former’s passive aggressive taunting of Cersei may have been the hour’s most delicious scene (both for Cersei’s clenched reaction and Margaery knowing exactly what to say in order to prove her place in King’s Landing), but it’s Margaery’s control over the young king that will have the most long-lasting impact.
She very clearly has Tommen under her thumb… by having him under some other body parts.
Cersei responded by sending the High Septon to prison and having a chat with another religious figure, the High Sparrow.
She played up the importance of faith and the crown and their connection to the citizens, aware that she may have lost control over the latter – but perhaps she can still use the former to her advantage.
Elsewhere… hey, it’s Jorah! He returned to the action inside a brothel where Varys and Tyrion made a pit stop.
This was a brothel where men paid to have sex with a Khaleesi lookalike, and where Tyrion went to pee after finding himself unable to have sex with a prostitute.
We concluded the episode with Jorah abducting Tyrion and saying he’s "taking him to the Queen." We assume he means Dany, of course. But we have no idea why.
Over in Winterfell, Sansa had to think long and hard about whether she wanted to be Queen of the North.
Turns out, Littlefinger never did propose to her. Instead, he was proposing a plan: marry Ramsay Bolton and avenge your family, considering Roose Bolton killed Robb Stark and everything.
It took Sansa a few moments to gather up her bravery, but she did return home, intent on playing the role of dedicated wife – until the right time to strike presented itself.
(Brienne and Pod, meanwhile, followed Stansa up north and we watched them bond; Pod explaining why he’s a squire and how he wants to be a knight; and Brienne opening up about how she could not save Renly.)
Over at the House of Black and White, Arya was sick and sweeping floors and of being confused over what the heck was going on in general.
She didn’t learn very much during the episode, except that Jaqen insisted she rid herself of all Arya-based possessions. Which she did. With the exception of Needle, hiding her sword under some rocks because ditching it was just a step too far.
Meanwhile, at The Wall, there were no queens to speak of. But there was a new Lord Commander in Jon Snow and a hopeful king in Stannis.
These two share a connection, as Jon turned down Stannis’ over to become Jon Stark and take over the North, proceeding to give out commands to his new charges.
But when Janos Slynt turned down his assignment, Jon had to decide what sort of leader he wanted to be. The answer? A ruthless one.
With all the man and Stannis (a seemingly proud Stannis, we should say) standing around, Janos apologized and begged for his life when faced with decapitation. But it was too late. Jon Snow had a point he had to make and he made it by chopping off Slynt’s head.
Damn! Did anyone see that coming?
We can’t wait to see where this is going on Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 4.